That night, I spent some quality time with God while my sister was away at a chalet. This is something that I treasured so much.... alone in the room, just praying with worship songs in the background...
It's been quite some time since I had the room all by myself. And I really really thank God for that.
I have to confess that ever since I started working, I have not been praying as much as before... I used to spend a longer time with the Lord, praying and reading His word, setting aside a day or 2 in a month to have a time of solitude with the Lord during my uni days. Thank God for my 3-4 day school timetable! I was so hungry for His word such that I read the bible instead of my lecture notes on the MRT from Bedok to Boon Lay. Whenever I was alone, shopping @ jurong point, waiting for 179, I would talk to God. I would tell him all my worries, problems with projects, as well as all the joy and happiness I experienced during the day. Sometimes, I would even ask Him strange hypothetical questions that popped up in my mind (just like how dear wanwan used to ask me, which I would then laugh hysterically over them). Sometimes, I would ask him about the unimportant, such as the nice top I saw at the shop. "Lord, what do you think of this? Do I look good in this?" Hahahaha...
That was 2 years ago.
For a long time, I knew I had cut short my time with Him NOT because working life is busier and I no longer have time for Him. I knew that it's NOT because I'm sharing a room with my sister, hence I can't spend time alone with Him. Yet, I had not been desperate and hungry enough to go all out to seek Him and hear His heart for me. There was no attempt to step out of my comfort zone to seek Him in the quiet moments (like waking up at 6am in the morning when everyone's sleeping?). That's the problem. Not the lack of time or a place for private prayer and worship. It's an issue of heart attitude. My heart has grown cold.
Almost everyday, I've been dealing with politics in the offices where colleagues are complaining and unhappy with boss, with the things at work, etc....... I told myself, "It's okay, I know my role and position. I shall do whatever I can at my best and be wise enough to avoid conflicts and God will take care of the rest." Nevertheless, I can't help being affected by it, struggling to stay godly and diplomatic.
There were also some disappointments in life which made me doubt my faith. I realised one thing that I tend to do when things do not run smoothly - put the blame on something or someone that is likely to cause it to happen/fail. Most of the time, I blamed on myself. "I was too lazy, too unforgiving, too critical, etc... so maybe that's why God didn't make it happen." Day after day, I got angry with myself, with God, with everything.
Little did I know that I've made God so small, so insignificant. Isn't He big enough for my weaknesses? Isn't He big enough in my workplace? The truth is, I've unknowingly reduced God and confined Him in that little corner in my heart, where I would knock on His door whenever I feel like it and shut Him out whenever I don't feel like it. Super disgusting right!
That night, I knew I had to get right with God. He was just there, always there, waiting for me. I wanted to pour out to Him everything that was buried in my heart. Yet, I didn't know how to start, where to start. Before I even started to say anything, tears just flow down... The Lord just said, "It's okay... My love for you will never change...". I just wept and wept... God knows everything within me. My thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, my desires. He knows them before I even say anything. He knows me inside out. He knows my character, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and my dislikes. I may have appeared to be calm and okay on the outside, but He knows what is behind my cool appearance, what is inside of me.
For Psalm 139:13 says,
"For YOU created my inmost being; YOU knit me together in my mother's womb."
Today, circumstances remain complicated, if not, more complicated. Some people just have not changed for the better, or perhaps they might stay the same forever. Rejections seem to be inevitable. Expectations are often not met. I will still make mistakes. I can't change the way things will become. I can't solve problems all the time. I can't be always making the best and wisest decisions. I can't please everyone, I don't have to please everyone.
But, one thing for sure - My God knows me. He will come, whenever I turn to Him. I can be honest and real before Him. He will take care of everything.
Labels: nostalgia, testimonies