Following-up on the news that I posted 2 days ago, more than $300,000 have been collected so far for condolence money for the Tan family, according to TNP, dated 22 Oct. I'm really glad to know that Singaporeans are not apathetic afterall. :)
When I reached home today, my sister told me to read TNP cos she was really saddened by the plight of the Tan family. (Click here to read the story) I was trying hard not to cry as I read the article. Indeed, I've come to realised how blessed I am and how comfortable my life have been!
Well, to be honest, I didn't use to think that.
When I was small, my parents struggled to take care of me and my 2 siblings and often borrowed money from my aunt to make ends meet. I looked down on myself and envied my peers for having the things that I didn't have. On the outside, I appeared to be very okay. Because the last thing I wanted from my friends was sympathy or even empathy. I used to hide from the fact that I'm living in a 3 room flat with my insane grandma and had monthly household income of less than 2k. I was very ashamed of who I am and my family. I felt that if I would lose my dignity if my friends know my family background. Throughout my schooling days, I faked my self-esteem. I was perpetually fearful that people would find out my family situation and how should I answer them. Even up to today, to be truthful, I still feel awkward telling people about it. How I wish I can be rich, glamourous, beautiful and always popular.
But I believe it is also because of my past that I come to know Christ.
When I was in sec 1, I saw the scripture at the back of my sch exercise book that says,
'Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.' - John 6:35
Somehow, this verse stirred up something within me. "Whoever comes to Him will never go hungry?" At that time, I didn't think much. Perhaps, all I wanted then was not just to satisfy my physical hunger but material wants. But strangely, I remember it for years... I suppose it's because I was scared of poverty or having not enough.
Now when I think back, I know that if not for my past, I wouldn't have caught that verse. If I hadn't been poor before, I wouldn't have understand what does it mean by being "poor". If I hadn't gone through difficult times, I would not have been impacted by this verse and remember it for years.
And it was also because of this verse that I turned to Jesus when I was desperate for help 3 years ago. I was desperate for a miracle, desperate for a hope.
I was amazed and am still amazed by how He blessed me with favors and how things worked out perfectly. If not for my past and my family, I wouldn''t have known how much I needed God. I might not appreciate the wonderful things that He had done for me and would take all I have for granted, thinking that I deserve all good rewards.
Presently, I stand to testify God's goodness in my life. Financial conditions in my family have improved so much in the past 2 years as my sister and I started working. God has provided my sister a job that pays her favourably. I just had a mini promotion and pay increment. My brother had graduated from poly and started serving NS in SISPEC. Monthly HHI has risen from less than 2K to above 6K! God has provided me abundantly!
I want to bless others as I count my blessings. As I read the article of how Mr Tan used his progress package of $800 to buy his first bed for his wife after 15 years of marriage, and how he struggled to provide a better life for his wife and 2 sons, I'm convicted in my spirit to pray for them and to help them in tangible ways, as well as the poor and the needy in and out of Singapore. I believe this is the heart of God, a heart of love and compassion for the poor and the needy.
That night, I spent some quality time with God while my sister was away at a chalet. This is something that I treasured so much.... alone in the room, just praying with worship songs in the background...
It's been quite some time since I had the room all by myself. And I really really thank God for that.
I have to confess that ever since I started working, I have not been praying as much as before... I used to spend a longer time with the Lord, praying and reading His word, setting aside a day or 2 in a month to have a time of solitude with the Lord during my uni days. Thank God for my 3-4 day school timetable! I was so hungry for His word such that I read the bible instead of my lecture notes on the MRT from Bedok to Boon Lay. Whenever I was alone, shopping @ jurong point, waiting for 179, I would talk to God. I would tell him all my worries, problems with projects, as well as all the joy and happiness I experienced during the day. Sometimes, I would even ask Him strange hypothetical questions that popped up in my mind (just like how dear wanwan used to ask me, which I would then laugh hysterically over them). Sometimes, I would ask him about the unimportant, such as the nice top I saw at the shop. "Lord, what do you think of this? Do I look good in this?" Hahahaha...
That was 2 years ago.
For a long time, I knew I had cut short my time with Him NOT because working life is busier and I no longer have time for Him. I knew that it's NOT because I'm sharing a room with my sister, hence I can't spend time alone with Him. Yet, I had not been desperate and hungry enough to go all out to seek Him and hear His heart for me. There was no attempt to step out of my comfort zone to seek Him in the quiet moments (like waking up at 6am in the morning when everyone's sleeping?). That's the problem. Not the lack of time or a place for private prayer and worship. It's an issue of heart attitude. My heart has grown cold.
Almost everyday, I've been dealing with politics in the offices where colleagues are complaining and unhappy with boss, with the things at work, etc....... I told myself, "It's okay, I know my role and position. I shall do whatever I can at my best and be wise enough to avoid conflicts and God will take care of the rest." Nevertheless, I can't help being affected by it, struggling to stay godly and diplomatic.
There were also some disappointments in life which made me doubt my faith. I realised one thing that I tend to do when things do not run smoothly - put the blame on something or someone that is likely to cause it to happen/fail. Most of the time, I blamed on myself. "I was too lazy, too unforgiving, too critical, etc... so maybe that's why God didn't make it happen." Day after day, I got angry with myself, with God, with everything.
Little did I know that I've made God so small, so insignificant. Isn't He big enough for my weaknesses? Isn't He big enough in my workplace? The truth is, I've unknowingly reduced God and confined Him in that little corner in my heart, where I would knock on His door whenever I feel like it and shut Him out whenever I don't feel like it. Super disgusting right!
That night, I knew I had to get right with God. He was just there, always there, waiting for me. I wanted to pour out to Him everything that was buried in my heart. Yet, I didn't know how to start, where to start. Before I even started to say anything, tears just flow down... The Lord just said, "It's okay... My love for you will never change...". I just wept and wept... God knows everything within me. My thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, my desires. He knows them before I even say anything. He knows me inside out. He knows my character, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and my dislikes. I may have appeared to be calm and okay on the outside, but He knows what is behind my cool appearance, what is inside of me.
For Psalm 139:13 says,
"For YOU created my inmost being; YOU knit me together in my mother's womb."
Today, circumstances remain complicated, if not, more complicated. Some people just have not changed for the better, or perhaps they might stay the same forever. Rejections seem to be inevitable. Expectations are often not met. I will still make mistakes. I can't change the way things will become. I can't solve problems all the time. I can't be always making the best and wisest decisions. I can't please everyone, I don't have to please everyone.
But, one thing for sure - My God knows me. He will come, whenever I turn to Him. I can be honest and real before Him. He will take care of everything.
Life is different after Bro Xian's POP... Knowing him, I thought he would make full use of his block leave to play his heart out.
Contrary to my beliefs, he DIDN'T...
1.) stayed up to watch his anime or play games
2.) sleep beyond 12am
3.) wake up after 10am
4.) hang out late at night
5.) stop buying breakfast for me
6.) stop me from using HIS computer
Hooray! At least my bro is changing for the better! God has definitely answered my prayers. :)
See mama and papa looking intensely at the parade square where Bro Xian + a few thousands "Bro Xian look-a-like" marched in and marched out... 
Me and Bro
I haven't been blogging for the longest time.
Not that nothing has happened for the past 1-2 months. In fact, I...
- went for wisdom teeth extraction and enjoyed my 5 days of MC. Hallelujah for the speedy recovery, i can eat normally after a day. The pain subsided within a day and "mump" only lasted for 3 days. Thank God that there weren't many work requests while I was on sick leave. This is very unusual, how blessed i am, come to think of it! Well, something unexpected also happened (to a dear friend) on the day of surgery... But, I thank God because I could spend the next few nights praying for her, and a couple of days with her without tiring myself further with office work. God's favor is upon me.
- went for 40km night cycling. Gosh, it was super duper siong. I think my butt starts to ache as I begin to recall how I survive through the night. 6hours of peddling is really bad for the knees but good for the mind and the will. The will to persevere on despite the pain and the rain. The Lord spoke to me as I was struggling, "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:13-14. My cheeks were wet... not by droplets of sweats or rain, but tears of hope as the Father encouraged me to go on. And I made it. And I can make it for the rest of my life too, to finish it well.
in a few days time, i'll be exactly 25 years old... woa!
looking at my life, what i am doing now... my job, my lifestyle, etc. was not the picture i drew in my mind 10 years ago... when i envision myself at the age of 25.
i expected myself to be holding a well-paying job, and perhaps still dreaming to become a newscaster on channel 8. hahaha! otherwise, i could be a SQ flight attendant... carrying a big LV luggage with me... flying across the ocean and mountains and enjoying myself in London, Capetown, New Zealand, Tokyo... continue to complain about the nature of the job, yet still holding on to it because of the opportunities to travel, to experience cultures, and because i want to be envied by many...
but here i am, holding a very stable job, start work at 930am (instead of official 9am), seldom work beyond 7pm... in a low-level stress work environment... have more than 1 hr lunches on average... sit in front of the computer everyday, looking at long strings of numbers and trying to make sense out of them :p
i wondered to myself, is that what i want?
i know there are times when i'm still 'gian' about becoming a air stewardess, when my sis tells me about when the next recruitment is coming up, and that they are in shortage of staff. I thought to myself, maybe i should go for the interview and be rejected by them, then tell myself it's God's will. hahahaha...
anywae, just now, i was reminded of this prayer which i prayed when i preparing for my graduation exams... "Lord, i need a job which allows me to have time for you. " i did not ask for a high-paying nor high profile job... and God answered my prayer. i didn't have to go for interviews after interviews... the offer just landed in front of me. i remembered myself giving thanks to God who heard my prayer.
"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. " 1 John 5:14
this birthday, i'm going to do the same... ask not of my own desires, but His will to be done.
A colleague gave me a lift and dropped me off near my secondary school... And I passed by AHS Hostel, the place where I said my first sinner's prayer... the new buildings... the clock tower of the school... and the long stairways that i have to climbed up every morning. The smell of rotting leaves and weeds beside the stairs lingered as I walked down and reminisced my teenage days.
I come from a humble family background. My family is not well-off and I have a grandmother who is mentally insane. Throughout my growing up years, I blamed my dad for not doing a good job in providing for the family as he spent his money on cigarettes, alcohol and lottery. Because of my family, I used to feel inferior and shameful when I listened to my peers shared about their families. I envied them for they do not have to scrimp and save each day. Consequently, I tried to do well in studies, in ECA, and even in friendships. I want to be socially accepted. I want to feel better about myself.
When I was in primary school, a friend shared with me about Jesus. She wrote in my autograph book, “Jesus loves you.” At that young age, I didn’t realize His love for me was so great, so unconditional. I went on to a Christian secondary school later and was exposed to more Christian values. During weekly assembly, guest speakers were invited to share about God and testify the His goodness. My heart began to stir as I listened. I pondered over the beautiful surroundings which God has created, the sky, the clouds, the trees, the sea. There must be a creator, I believe. One night, I was at a sports training camp when a senior came over and shared Christ with me personally. That night, I received Jesus into my life. I was 13 years old.
Soon, I started attending church. Like many first generation Christian, I was faced with strong parental objections at home. In school, as I grew closer to the seniors who brought me to church, my relationships with my close friends were affected. My coach who was also my form teacher was displeased when he knew I was attending church. He was concerned that I would skip trainings to go for church activities. I recalled an incident where he humiliated me in class. Although he did it jokingly, the sarcasm and ridicule in his tone made me feel utterly awful. After a year, I was tired of the misunderstandings and rejections. I felt very discouraged and stopped attending church.
Life went on as normal after I left church and God. I did well in my studies, entered a good college and got into my first choice course in university. I had dear friends around me and I sought fun and enjoyment everyday. However, I continued to feel bad about my family and myself, and I hid these negative feelings. I did not think much about my purpose in life and I tend to just follow what the majority was doing. Even when I was most upset after I broke up, I relied on my own strength and depended on my friends’ support to get over it.
Everything seemed fine until I encountered a big problem with my Final Year Project (FYP). It was totally unexpected and I was completely helpless. For the first time in my life, I felt really confused, lost and depressive. Though there were helpful advice from friends on what to do, I did not feel right. I knew my confusions did not arise simply due to a FYP issue. Again, I try to hide but could hide no more. For many nights, I broke down and cried. I was at my wits’ end. There and then, I realized that there was no way I could help myself but to pray for God to help me. Miraculously, God answered my prayers and sent help. He sent people in my life to guide me and saved me out of the pits. I was touched by God’s love for me. He never forsakes me even though I had forsaken him. From that day on, I decided to re-dedicate my life to Him.
Since then, God has done amazing things in my life. I can be who I am today because God rescued me and picked me up from the rubble in life. He did not forget me even though I backslid. When I thought I was unworthy of His love, He still welcomed me back like the Father in the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), He’s always there waiting for me.
I thank God that in the past 2 years, He has helped me to forgive my dad and my family. I’ve learnt to count my blessings and love my family. After 2 years of praying and waiting, today, I can be baptized with my parents’ approval and blessings. Not just that, God also healed me from my past hurts, my fears and my insecurities. During those tough times when I felt disappointed, hurt and angry, God was there to comfort me. He understands the pain I went through. He accepts me for who I am. In Him, I can find contentment. I know I do not need to strive to be socially accepted. I’m rich because God is with me. Every good and perfect gift comes from Him (James 1:17). I know He will not shortchange me.
I just want to share my baptism testimony to all... and give glory to my saviour...