That night, I spent some quality time with God while my sister was away at a chalet. This is something that I treasured so much.... alone in the room, just praying with worship songs in the background...
It's been quite some time since I had the room all by myself. And I really really thank God for that.
I have to confess that ever since I started working, I have not been praying as much as before... I used to spend a longer time with the Lord, praying and reading His word, setting aside a day or 2 in a month to have a time of solitude with the Lord during my uni days. Thank God for my 3-4 day school timetable! I was so hungry for His word such that I read the bible instead of my lecture notes on the MRT from Bedok to Boon Lay. Whenever I was alone, shopping @ jurong point, waiting for 179, I would talk to God. I would tell him all my worries, problems with projects, as well as all the joy and happiness I experienced during the day. Sometimes, I would even ask Him strange hypothetical questions that popped up in my mind (just like how dear wanwan used to ask me, which I would then laugh hysterically over them). Sometimes, I would ask him about the unimportant, such as the nice top I saw at the shop. "Lord, what do you think of this? Do I look good in this?" Hahahaha...
That was 2 years ago.
For a long time, I knew I had cut short my time with Him NOT because working life is busier and I no longer have time for Him. I knew that it's NOT because I'm sharing a room with my sister, hence I can't spend time alone with Him. Yet, I had not been desperate and hungry enough to go all out to seek Him and hear His heart for me. There was no attempt to step out of my comfort zone to seek Him in the quiet moments (like waking up at 6am in the morning when everyone's sleeping?). That's the problem. Not the lack of time or a place for private prayer and worship. It's an issue of heart attitude. My heart has grown cold.
Almost everyday, I've been dealing with politics in the offices where colleagues are complaining and unhappy with boss, with the things at work, etc....... I told myself, "It's okay, I know my role and position. I shall do whatever I can at my best and be wise enough to avoid conflicts and God will take care of the rest." Nevertheless, I can't help being affected by it, struggling to stay godly and diplomatic.
There were also some disappointments in life which made me doubt my faith. I realised one thing that I tend to do when things do not run smoothly - put the blame on something or someone that is likely to cause it to happen/fail. Most of the time, I blamed on myself. "I was too lazy, too unforgiving, too critical, etc... so maybe that's why God didn't make it happen." Day after day, I got angry with myself, with God, with everything.
Little did I know that I've made God so small, so insignificant. Isn't He big enough for my weaknesses? Isn't He big enough in my workplace? The truth is, I've unknowingly reduced God and confined Him in that little corner in my heart, where I would knock on His door whenever I feel like it and shut Him out whenever I don't feel like it. Super disgusting right!
That night, I knew I had to get right with God. He was just there, always there, waiting for me. I wanted to pour out to Him everything that was buried in my heart. Yet, I didn't know how to start, where to start. Before I even started to say anything, tears just flow down... The Lord just said, "It's okay... My love for you will never change...". I just wept and wept... God knows everything within me. My thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, my desires. He knows them before I even say anything. He knows me inside out. He knows my character, my personality, my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes and my dislikes. I may have appeared to be calm and okay on the outside, but He knows what is behind my cool appearance, what is inside of me.
For Psalm 139:13 says,
"For YOU created my inmost being; YOU knit me together in my mother's womb."
Today, circumstances remain complicated, if not, more complicated. Some people just have not changed for the better, or perhaps they might stay the same forever. Rejections seem to be inevitable. Expectations are often not met. I will still make mistakes. I can't change the way things will become. I can't solve problems all the time. I can't be always making the best and wisest decisions. I can't please everyone, I don't have to please everyone.
But, one thing for sure - My God knows me. He will come, whenever I turn to Him. I can be honest and real before Him. He will take care of everything.
i had to do e-housekeeping these few days before my computer decided to retire early.
(sobs...)
so this evening, i was arranging and filing the photos that were taken in the past 3 years... i picked out some to share here...
pals who grew up with me... 
remember the YA cell @ PA days??
see, eleen wore specs in the past! :p
blogbash 2004!!
and i've a story to tell...
2 years ago, we were at bintan...
we saw this at the beach... hoo! scary hor...
has the twister made uu upset?!! huh, no... then who?
see, they are scooting!
fur, help me to load the bullets, i'll go after them!
yenling, quick, help me to shoot them down!
okie lah, since topo treated me milk, i shall not pursue any further. :p
we are good friends again. (everyone's tired)
now, batam here we come! :)
I was waiting for bus at Pasir Ris this afternoon and happened to see swarms of NS men alighting from the buses that ferried them from the jetty. Cheers of freedom and joy were heard as they made their way down. Some of the guys teased their friends whose girlfriends were there waiting for them. Somehow, the sight of them activated my memory nodes... gosh, i was reminded of my past relationship.
Did i feel sad?
Not really... Nostalgic, yes. Strange. I haven't feel like this for a long time...
I wasn't thinking of the person (I always think that the end of the relationship was a blessing in disguise), but rather, I'm thinking about myself... how I've moved on from then to now...
Were there feelings of loneliness?
Definitely.
Do I look forward to a new relationship?
Yes, but with uncertainty.
The desires of my heart He knows. Before I even ask, He already knew.
A colleague gave me a lift and dropped me off near my secondary school... And I passed by AHS Hostel, the place where I said my first sinner's prayer... the new buildings... the clock tower of the school... and the long stairways that i have to climbed up every morning. The smell of rotting leaves and weeds beside the stairs lingered as I walked down and reminisced my teenage days.
1 more day to go and i'll be fully recovered from post-badminton aches. (Hopefully) Despite the aches, I really feel like playing again. :p
Although I can't really play as well as before... although I've dislocated my right shoulder 4 yrs ago, which means I can't really do more than 10 lobs...
I realise... I love badminton!
I couldn't appreciate it during the toturous trainings in sec sch... I couldn't play it competitively because I simply couldn't perform under stress.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed playing for PA, my ex-company. I enjoyed playing with roti, shan, pey @ tampines sports hall for leisure. Last sat, I felt the same way too. :)
However, I guessed I won't be feeling this way if i hadn't trained for it.
And it's Friday! Fabulous!
Shups! Hey, good to see u here! I've been reading your entries, love your writings!
And to the "Anonymous",
What can I say about you? None other than my best pal, Jun.
Talk about crappiness, how can I ever match up to you? ;p
I was jubilant to see such a long comment from you. Indeed.
Yes, the name of the bell, "ling ling" is reserved for you and my mum. And I must say that you managed to imitate her quite well. Haha, I'm sure she'll laugh her head off if she knows you have been calling me this way. Nwae, after so many years, she STILL calls me this way. Wonder how she got her inspiration from. Perhaps, my crappiness is genetically inherited from her. Look at my brother, I'm sure you'll nod your head and say, " Yah hor. Your bro also same pattern one. Same crappiness." Oh yah, you remember his coarse singing (of jap anime songs)? Definitely pose a challenge to Shi's 天后级 position in China. I don't have to 开口, just need to send him out. Shi better buck up in XXX secondary school, don't even think the fact that she used in sing in 福州 at 14 will give her any added advantage to become SUPERSTAR. The competiton between them, representing both genders, is still gonna be tense. As a spectator cum judge sitting with the crowds of audience, I can only offer my few cents worth of professional advice to encourage them and help them to identify a few problems and "root issues" which you have mentioned, "head voice, dan tian, falsetto, etc"
And about <<陶子蛋白质>>, I only managed to watched it once when my sis was channel-surfing one day. 陶子's style of humor continues to prevail in the programme. :)
Jun, your 笔记型小电脑 (brain loaded with superb memory) can never be replaced, I assured you. You can remember the over-sized huge grey tee-shirt i wore during our first outing to Pasir Ris beach @ the age of 13, before Shi went for her 福州巡回演唱会 the following year. Xue's dunno-if-it's-mickey-or-groofy tee-shirt... Oh no, what was Shi and Pey & the rest wearing? Not to mention. you can remember every classic jokes and craps in details lor. I gotta humbled myself before you.
Nwae, I saw something which you did for me years ago when I was packing my room the other day. A card with a story and pics of 李铭顺 (as 杨过) & 范文芳 (as 小龙女). Total hilarious. If 看图编故事 has an award for "The most crappy and boliao story", I believe you will beat everyone hands down. Agree?
"被懂" is a word invented by pey 3-4 years ago... to be used as a verb which has the same meaning as "being found out".
In a nutshell, 被懂 (abbreviation of 被人家懂) = 被发现
造句：
被懂 - 为什么我不可以 login 我 office computer 的 MSN version 7.0 ，难道我"被懂"了？
(my real situation)
Anyway, when we realised the meaning of "被懂", 大家都啼笑皆非... :D
Another infamous one from her was "一粒tissue".
"为什么有一粒tissue在地上? 是谁丢的!"