The week that just passed was horrible... HORRIBLE!
What happened in the office was just beyond my threshold of tolerance.
She lied again and again... to justify her decisions...
I simply had no mood to work.
I wish I can stay out of the picture. But what she did was really unethical and intolerable, from the way I see it. Can I just keep quiet anymore?
On the other hand, I was upset with myself as well, for not being able to rise up and do what I think I ought to do.
e.g.
- speak words of encouragement to colleagues
- don't judge, leave it to God
- submit to leadership
I was battling with many thoughts on "what should I do?" and it made me feeling tired, defeated and helpless. I told God, I don't know how to cry nor pray anymore cos I'm really sick of all these. I wanted to just leave the company. But at the same time, I'm worried of my future.
During cell group yesterday, I finally broke down and cried my lungs out. God came, comforted me, and assured me of His love. He wanted me to know that I don't have to bow down to people, expectations, situations. I only bow my knees at the cross.
At The Cross (Hillsong)
Oh Lord You've searched me,
You know my way;
Even when I fail You,
I know You love me.
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season,
I know You love me;
I know You love me.
At the cross I bow my knee,
Where Your blood was shed for me,
There's no greater love than this.
You have overcome the grave,
Your glory fills the highest place,
What can separate me now?
You go before me,
You shield my way,
Your hand upholds me;
I know You love me.
And when the earth fades,
Falls from my eyes,
And You stand before me,
I know You love me;
I know You love me.
You tore the veil,
You made a way
When You said that it is done.
God is a good God. Even if I'm going to lose my job tomorrow, so what?
I know I've been relying too much on myself, on my ability and my knowledge. Hence, I'm worried of what's going to happen because any changes will affect ME.
"What am I going to do?"
"What will others think of me?"
"How do I tell my parents?"
"What if I have to accept a huge pay cut in my next job?"
It's all about me, myself and me, myself... This is too inward-looking. Where is God?
I need to learn to rely on God, and Him alone. Rely on His grace and His provision, Rely on His promises for me, that "He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future."
To live in freedom means I don't live my life according to all the 'what if's that MIGHT really happen, nor the expectations of people including myself; BUT to live knowing that I have in a constant God who is just and faithful. So, why worry?
As expected, after I emailed boss on some research info requested by our counterparts in U.S. , she replied to ask for more info which was not requested.
Immediately, my mind started to think... "Didn't my email address the issue of concern? Didn't I deliver what was requested." Albeit frustrated, I continued to search and compile additional info for her reference, and for her to send the info over.
If you asked me, I would agree that this is not the most efficient way of working. Someone told me that I could have sent the info directly to U.S.. She felt that boss was asking me to send to her first because she wanted to be the one "serving", although she's not the one doing it. In fact, many feel that she's like a "waitress", to put it in a crude way.
I told her that I would let boss serve, although I'm often puzzled with the way she manages stuff, honestly speaking.
To me, it doesn't matter. Since,
#1. I believe the guy in U.S would know who did the job anyway.
#2. I'm happy to be the chef in the kitchen whipping up dishes for her to serve.
#3. Being a chef is better than being a waitress?
#4. Even if no one knows who did the job, nor appreciates the effort, me know and God knows.
"Haiya, things like that no need to fight lah." I told my manager.
"Haha, ok lah. You'll be the chef under me. I'm the top chef." she said, laughing aloud.
Suddenly, I feel like I'm 长今, and she's some 尚宫娘娘. Ooo lala.. Ooo lala... lalalala... (drama soundtrack in the background).
Just kidding.
Of course, I can't match up to 长今. She's almost like the famous Proverb 31 woman* transported to ancient Korea. And me? I still have a long long way to go.
Sometimes the people I work with gets me down. So to combat negative thoughts, I need to think in another perspective, draw humor from the incident, and laugh over it.
* Proverb 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
I have long realised that the best thing about my company is the number of "company holidays" we can enjoy. I truly appreciate that, cos they made it "compulsory" for us to have a day or half-day off before festive seasons. Firstly, you don't have to remember to clear it within the month or else it will be forfeited. (I mean, we have so many things to remember, why add one more to the list?) Secondly, this is especially important if you work under a boss who doesn't like her staff to apply leave and doesn't allow more than 2 persons to be on leave at the same time. (excuse me, there are 7 of us in the dept lor, not as if the whole dept is gone.) sigh...
Why am I saying all these? Because after a long wait since our national day holiday, Deepavali and Hari Raya Puasa holidays are around the corner! And blessed uu gets to enjoy a half-day off tomorrow and full day off on Friday. In addition, office will be closed half-day on Mon and Tue is a public holiday. Good right. Don't envy k, read on.
Still on the topic of vacation leave... sometimes i wonder if we need to be so strict on leave application. If a person were instructed by his/her doctor to bed-rest at home for a few weeks, could he/she apply for hospitalization leave? Strictly speaking, it cannot be considered as such because he/she did not physically stay in the hospital. However, the nature of the "instructed activity" or rather "inactivity" can be considered as hospitalization. If your boss is particularly concerned over your leave application and not your health, something is not quite right. well well well... What would you say on this?
Anyway, the haze in the office is really as bad as the haze outside the office. "The Leave" is just the tip of the iceberg. The seemingly wholesome and healthy place to work in is not as wholesome as most have thought. Accusations. Injustice. Complaints. How I wish I didn't hear them or better still, they didn't happen at all. I want to put on my Escapist cap.
Last night, as I was reading my bible, the following verses struck me...
Psalm 91
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. .......
Yes Lord, these are Your promises to those who dwell in Your shelter. I'll find rest in You. Thank you Lord.
I have to shift. Not my blog, but my office seating. Being a super high ‘S’ gal, I dread the thought of changing place. I will miss my neighbours, Koji-san and Weny… They are really nice neighbours… And they often bring Japanese and Taiwanese delicacies when they go back for holidays… Cool right! And I’ll miss Koji speaking Japanese, Cantonese, Mandarin (and sometime Malay with Sumi).
My new place will be facing the window, I think… and it’s still a fairly ‘open’ space. Not too bad, I think, though passers-by will be able to see what I’m doing – MSN-ing and loafing. Hohoho… I shall do very discreetly… :p Well, at least, I can view part of the greenery and the vast blue sky… Hopefully, I can see planes on that side of the window...
The disappointing part is not just parting with my neighbours, but that mr cmi will sit opposite me.
Lord, help me.
Irritating! As I was blog surfing just now, I saw many were hit by comment spams. These simply put me off. As much as I don't like to key in letters and numbers for "word verification" when posting comments on my friends' blogs, I hate to have to turn on that option for my blog to avoid spamming... dear "peng yew-s", sorry...
The week whizzed past with little accomplishments. Disappointments and feeling of sian-ness, but diagnosis concluded that I'm no longer suffering from PPMS. I think I'm affected by some personnel issues within the department. Sigh, it has been 9 months and with my boss leaving on next wed, I'm sure my fellow colleagues will kick up a big fuss in the HR office early next week before he leaves. Like the sky now, gloomy and dark, a storm is brewing...
I was thinking to end this entry but suddenly thought of sharing the "breath-taking" pic to brighten up this virtual space. Ok, this is the one I saw on Tue.
~tata, off to my storybook now...